What happened to Robert DeNiro?

Publishing this while I do my second hour on Barstool Breakfast on the Sirius channel.

Happy Flag Day to all, happy birthday to the US Army, AND happy birthday to Donald Trump.  This won’t be a political blog, although I think that whole “Fuck Trump” tirade at the Tony’s was over-the-top and unnecessary.

I think if he would’ve yelled out “Fuck Rump” to that priggish crowd, it would’ve been equally lauded.

What actually is driving this content is the fact I watched Cape Fear last night.

I love that movie, and the reason I love it is because of DeNiro.  Nolte is terrible, Jessica Lange is confusing, and Juliette Lewis plays a 30 year old teenager.

But DeNiro fucking played Max Cady perfectly… I was rooting for him to rape and murder everyone in the cast.

Led me to look more closely into a career that has spanned almost 45 years, and marvel at how it has absolutely disintegrated.

Look at the highlights from first 15 years… Godfather II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Once Upon A Time In America, Deer Hunter, Angel Heart, The Mission, Untouchables, Midnight Run, Awakenings, and Goodfellas.

Legendary.

Look at the best of the second 15 years… Backdraft, Cape Fear, A Bronx Tale, Analyze This and That, Meet The Parents and Fockers, Casino, Heat, The Fan, Sleeper, and Cop Land.

Not legendary, but still pretty fucking epic.

Now look at the last 14 years… Limitless?  Silver Linings Playbook?  The Intern?

Fucking terrible.

And I don’t think he ran into the same physical roadblock an actress might encounter.  I think he just forgot how to fucking act.

I actually met him once.  I think around 1989, or so… Right after Midnight Run and right before Goodfellas.  I worked for a real estate attorney one summer during college.  My job was mostly filing, but they also used me to courier around legal documents that required an immediate signature.  Was sent to Tribeca to DeNiro’s loft on a 100 degree day, and I delivered documents directly to Bobby.

In the loft that day was DeNiro and the guy who played Morty from Morty’s Wigs, and as Bob took the docs from me and went towards what I assume was his kitchen, he had offered me something to drink (I mentioned it was hot/I am always sweaty).  I said, “I’d love a beer.”, and he looked at my 17 year old fat face, laughed, and brought me back a bottle of water.

For a 17 year old kid, meeting a star like that, and then fucking KILLING it with an “I’d love a beer”-joke was a banner day for me and my fat face.

Years later, I met Shaq in a hookah bar in midtown, and for some reason he went to shake my hand on the way out.  Maybe he thought I was the bouncer, but he purposely came toward me with his hand out.  I put my hand out, and I executed an absolutely FLAWLESS urbanite handshake, where you start as a traditional shake, then slide down to just where the tops of your fingers lock, and then you come in for a half hug with a back tap.  And I fucking nailed it.

That has nothing to do with DeNiro, but it’s a good memory for me, even though it was just a fucking handshake, so I am still telling everyone I know.

What’s the ultimate remedy for DeNiro’s career?  I think step one is to stop being such a liberal cunt.

But step two might be even easier… Just stop acting.

DeNiro loves acting as much as I love drinking til 3 AM on a weekday, but apparently we are both too old to do either.  Biggest difference between he and I is that he has two Oscars, a couple good restaurants, and plenty of dinero in the bank.  I have a friend named Oscar, I work in a restaurant at night, and I just started a job where I get paid by the word.

Do us all a favor, take a cue from Hackman and Sean Connery, and just fucking hang it up.

Take a report.

-Large